Today I bring you part 1 of my transformation journey. This first part I wanted to talk about my mindset through out my weight loss so far. For those who have followed my journey through my Instagram will know I’ve had a lot of issues regarding my mental health, I have suffered for many years with generalised anxiety disorder and severe depression and I’m currently on medication to help with these. But to say that I am a completely new woman from who I was in 2015 is a huge understatement. Back then I would consider myself to be a very unhealthy woman. I was obese, my mental health was suffering greatly and I had no social life–I was a hermit.
My weight has been such a heavy burden on who I am and have been as a person. I have been defined by what I saw in the mirror, if I looked lazy, I felt lazy. I also didn’t carry myself with great importance and had such a low value of who I was and my abilities–even in my job.
So What Changed?
In May of 2016, I walked into my local gym and signed up to a personal trainer. This in itself was a big step. I had tried pretty much any quick fix methods and diets, everything other than committing to the gym and with this I was scared. I was scared because I didn’t want to have a personal trainer that would have me doing intense cardio for an hour or someone who’d scream at me — I mean come on we’ve all seen The Biggest Loser, right? In fact I was wrong, my personal trainer was completely different, he heard my concerns and worked with what I could do and also played on my strengths.
After a few weeks, we found that I was actually rather strong, this praise was and is something I still repeat to myself often–a mantra you could say. I AM STRONG. Not only physically but mentally. It has become a great mantra for me because just like my physical health my mental health hasn’t been a straight line, it has had many up and down, not all great and not all bad but one of the main positive impacts I have had is that my anxiety has gone from 3-4 attacks a week to once every few months. The negatives however, even though I didn’t have much in terms of who I was before before, I still felt a loss of identity. I was no longer the “book nerd”, I was out the house more than ever and my life simply revolved around training and hanging out with the new friends I had made.
Despite all these changes over the two years I still have difficulty to know who I am. I am slowly but surely finding myself and have been achieving so much than I ever thought I would but I felt and still do feel like I am the in-between woman, I love fitness and getting fit but my body didn’t and still doesn’t necessarily reflect that. Again, my physical appearance dictating my mind.
I have raised a lot more questions throughout my journey, and even though there are more questions than answers I am proud of what I have achieved. These last two years have helped me to no end in trying to understand who I am, I have and am continuing to explore my mental health and this isn’t something I would’ve even considered a few years back. I was harbouring a lot of guilt and shame of who I was and becoming fitter has really helped me to look further, explore and resolve my issues. It has given me a huge boost in confidence, something I didn’t think I would ever feel again. It made me realise my own importance. It made me think about putting myself first for once, and it made me realise I need a bit more of a helping hand.
Some people may assume getting better physically is just that, a physical aspect but it goes hand-in-hand with mental health.